How To Piss Off A Certain Potions Master
by LzzysGoneAWOL
Summary: Title says it all. A new girl comes to Hogwarts and finds pleasure in making Snapes life a living Hell.
1. The New Girl

_50 Ways A Certain Someone Can Piss Off A Certain Potions Master_

Jade Hathaway, the new girl at Hogwarts, is a girl thats not to be messed with. For one thing, she got expelled from every wizarding school in America and is an even better prankster than Fred and George Weasley. Her new victim? Proffesor Severus Snape. Potions master...

Kings Cross Station was buzzing with people. Muggle and wizards alike. There was one particular girl in a black leather jacket and tight jeans pushing a small trolley that caught the eye of every man on the platform. The women, on the otherhand, whispered rude comments to eachother. The girl caught fragments of it. "What a trollop," she heard one woman say. "Definitly American," she heard another one say. The girl simply smiled and approached the infamous barrier onto Platform nine and three quartors. She pushed through it with ease and appeared on the other side of the barrier. The Hogwarts Express stood on the left side of the platform. After putting her luggage on the train, she entered. Most of the compartments were already filled, so when she happened apon a half empty compartment she asked to join. There were already five people occupying this one, but still had room for one more. Three boys with flaming red hair, two of them twins and the other younger than them but looked alike. The other boy, who had dark hair and wore glasses sat by the window. Beside him was a girl with curly light brown hair. "Can I sit here?" The girl asked. All five of them looked up, and the boys jaws dropped. "Of course," piped up the dark haired boy. "Fred and George were just about to go back to their own compartments, weren't you, boys?"

"Um, yeah. Sure, I guess." One of them answered. The other quickly stood up, "I'm Fred." He said as took her hand and kissed it in a very gentlemenly fashion. The other twin, George she guessed, stood up as well. Pushing Fred out of the way, George did his best to look cool as he introduced himself.

"Out." The younger red headed boy said as he pushed the twins out of the compartment.

"Sorry 'bout that." He said as he looked after the twins that retreated down the aisle. "They're mad."

The girl entered the compartment and closed the door behind her, "I'm Ron by the way." He said as he returned to his seat by the window.

"Jade." She replied. Ron pointed to the dark haired boy across from him by the window, "that's Harry and she's Hermione."  
>"Hello." Harry greeted and Hermione waved. There was a knock on the door of the compartment before it opened. A tall man with brown hair in a black formal suit entered. Jade heard the others gasp.<p>

"Proffesor Lupin?"

"Hello, Harry. Hermione, Ron." Lupin greeted. "Ah, there you are Jade."

"You know her?" Hermione asked.

"He tutored me over the summer." Jade answered, her accent was American, which caught Harry and Hermione off guard.

"I was coming to tell you three," Lupin said gesturing to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "That I will be back at Hogwarts teaching Defense Against The Dark Arts again." He said with a smile. He looked at Jade, "oh and I have your schedule right here." He handed Jade a piece of parchment.

"Thank you, Remus." Jade said as he closed the door to the compartment and left down the aisle.

Hermione, Harry, and Ron all looked at her, but she looked down at her schedule. "I'm in Gryffindor House." She said blankly, not caring if they heard her or not.

"We're in Gryffindor as well." Hermione replied.

"So that means we have the same classes?"

"I'm guessing so."

"Well, we have potions first period tommorow for a double class." Jade said observing the parchment. The three groaned making Jade look up. "What?"

"The potions master." groaned Hermione.

"Snape." Harry groaned.

"He's a nightmare!" Ron all but screamed.

"A nightmare huh?" Jade said to herself...A smile playing on her face.


	2. Potions

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter. I do own Jade. She's my slave and no one can have her! She's mine! :D

Jade awoke rather late in the Gryffindor Girls dormitory. She wouldn't have woken up at all if her cat, a white Maine Coon named Gabriel, had'nt mewed in her ear for five minutes straight. "Fine!" She yelled at her cat as she got up and dressed into her robes. She took her time walking down the corridor towards the dungeons. When she did finally get there, she made a scene as she took a seat next to Harry and Ron. Snape looked at her sternly, "did you get lost Miss Hathaway?"

"Actually I saw Lord Voldemort in the hallway. He said he wants his puppy back. Now." Jade replied smugly.

"Was that an attempt at humor?" Snape said, unfazed by the joke.

"Only if you want it to be, babe," Jade said as she sat back and put her feet up on the table and winking.

"I'm sure you'll elaborate on that dreadful joke in detention. Right, Miss Hathaway?"

"Only if I get a hug."

"Five points from Gryffindor."

"Are you emo or goth?" Jade asked taking a sudden interest in Snapes appearance.

"Ten points."

"Ooh!" Jade said happily standing up. "Boxers or breif?" This sent a wave of laughter around the classroom. "Or do you prefer to go commando?"

"Twenty points. Mind you Miss Hathaway. Gryffindor is already twenty points under and the term hasn't even started." Snape said in an icy voice and was now standing face to face with Jade. Jade stared at him for two minutes before jumping on him in a hug, making Snape stumble back in shock. The class laughed again. When Jade pulled away, she looked at him and then ruffled his hair. Snape was seething with anger and was clenching and unclenching his fists at his side. "I have to go pee." Jade said before running out of the classroom.

"HATHAWAY!" She heard Snape scream from down the corridor, followed by the laughter of the class.

XXXX

A week later, when Jade was in potions again, she had fallen asleep in class. Snape didn't care as long as she didn't disrupt his lesson. But little did he know that Jade rants about mindless things in her sleep. "Poke-mon!" She mumbled in her sleep. "Gotta catch 'em all!."

Snape stopped in mid sentence in a lecture about how to properly brew the Polyjuice Potion, when he looked at Jade. "I wanna be the very best. That no one ever was. To catch them is my real test. To train them is my cause!"

"She's gone mental." Ron whispered at Harry while laughing.  
>"Completely demented." Whispered Harry sniggering.<p>

"Snape likes to wear dirty underwear. With little hairs." Mumbled Jade. The class giggled. Even Draco Malfoy was starting to like her, even if she was a Gryffindor. "Snape. The Death Eater."

Snape nearly choked. "Horrible. Snape in Return of The Jedi. Trelawny as Padme. NO!" Jade screamed as she woke up suddenly. She saw that the whole class was now staring at her, "What? Did Snape get carrried away by thousands of Cornish Pixies?"

"Ahem." Snape cleared his throat from behind her.

"Oh. Detention huh?" Jade said with innocent eyes.

"The whole week." And that was that.

XXXX

At dinner that night, Harry, Ron, and Hermione found Jade sitting alone. "Hello Jade." Harry said sitting across form her.

"What's up, Harry?" She looked at Ron as he sat next to Harry. "Freckles?"

"What?" Ron said confused.

"Nevermind." Jade said as Hermione took a seat next to her.

"So how was detention with Snape?" Ron asked.

"It was fantastic. We drank tea. Danced alittle, and ended the night with a kiss." The three looked at her as if she had seven heads. "You guys actually believed that?"

"Hmm," Hermione cleared her throat. "So um, what part of America are you from?"

"New York. My father is from Spain and my mother is from Sweden. He works in the ministry." Jade said as she put a spoon of pudding in her mouth.

"Wait," Ron said quickly. "Thats where I recognised you from! Your Rafael Luis Cruz's daughter!" He said happily.

"Yup. And my mother is Alexandra Hathaway."

"Your family is famous!" Ron said speechless.

"Famous for what?" Harry asked.

"Creating the patronus charm." Hermione said.

"You have a patronus?" Harry asked Jade. Jade nodded.

"What is it?"

"A wolf." Jade answered.  
>"And they're a big part of the Order. Her father being govener in the ministry in America." Ron added.<br>"Like Lucius Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"Yes. My father and him are friends."  
>"So, your a pureblood?"<p>

"Uh huh." Jade said as she got up and left the Great Hall.

XXXX

"Severus?" Proffesor McGonnagal (sorry, I forgot how to spell her name ~_~) tapped on the door of his cold and dark dungeon that he calls an office.

"Yes, Minerva?" Snape said from the front of the office. He sat at his desk grading start of term essays.

"Well, good afternoon. I wanted to talk to about the new sixth year your class. Jade Hathaway."

"She's arrogant, disruptive, and rude. Are we done here?" Snape said not looking up from the essays.

"Well, she is a model student in other classes. Except yours. Which worries me."

"Why should it be any of your concern or worry?" Snape asked.

"Because she's in my house. Any how, Severus. I just came to tell you that to take it easy on Jade. She's not what we'd call stable." This got Snape's attention. He looked up from the essays on his desk with a raised brow.

"Stable?"

"She's not getting any attention at home because her parents are off in different countries for the Ministry and she hardly sees them, so she's disruptive." Minerva said.

"Fine, Minerva. Now, if you excuse me I have some essays to grade." Snape said returning to the essays. Minerva sighed and left the office.


	3. Boxers Or Briefs

_Disclaimer: I dont own Harry Potter. Jade, on the other hand, came from the demented side of my sick sadistic brain. Just kidding. She's mine though._

Jade walked merrily down the corridor to the Gryffindor common room to sleep, mostly because she had nothing better to do. What was there to do here when your bored, she thought. Absolutely nothing, she answered herself mentally. She was lost in thought and didn't notice when she bumped into a statue. A statue dressed in black robes? "Oh, crap." She said slowly looking up at the person she bumped into. None other than the beloved potions master.

"Hello, Miss Hathaway." He said crossing his arms over his chest. "Not skipping detention, are we?"

"No, no. Absolutely not." Jade lied. She was an expert lier, but in this case, she lied horribly to get on Snapes nerves. "I was just going to Quidditch practice."

"Your not on a Quidditch team."

"You're right. I was actually on my way to give you shampoo." She said reaching into her bag. She pulled out a orange shampoo bottle called 'Pumpkin-Poo!' and handed it to him. "It's lavender pumpkin scented." Pulling the strap of her bag up her shoulder she straightened proudly and said, "now if you excuse me, I'll be in the dormitory sleeping." Jade gave a nod and proceeded down the corridor. She didn't get far when a hand grabbed the collar of her robes. "Right this way, Miss Hathaway." He said pulling her along towards the dungeons.

"Hey! Paws off!" Jade screamed startled. "My father will hear about this!"

"Spoken like a true Slytherin." Snape said calmly.

"Can you even do this?"

"Im not doing anything."

"Yes you are! It's a little thing called sexual harrassment."

"Americans." Snape muttered under his breath as they reached the dungeons.

"British." He roughly sat her at a desk at the front of the classroom and went to his desk.

"Ooh. How'd you know I like it rough?" Jade said menacingly.

"Enough! Miss Hathaway. You'd start getting your priorities straight unless you want to spend the rest of term in detention." He said angrily.

"Someone has a racing broom stuck up their butt." Jade said taking a magazine out of her bag. Snape sighed and sat at his desk. This, he thought, was going to be a long afternoon.

"Snape?"

"What?" He growled.

"So, boxers or breifs."

"Leapord print thong!" He said annoyed. Jade was disturbed. A picture of Snape walking around in nothing but a leapord print thong disturbed her deeply. To the point where she almost threw up. Snape smiled to himself at the fact that he possibly just gave the sixth year nightmares for a month. "Seriously?"

"NO!" Snape screamed angrily. And so goes on the endless five hours pf detention. Jade found many tiny ways to piss Snape off. One of which included humming the mission impossible theme song whenever Snape stood up to retrieve something from somewhere in the class. Propping her feet up on the desk, Jade stared at the ceiling. "Snape?"

"What now?"

"Is your idol Batman?"

"Who the bloody hell is Batman?"

"You've got to be joking." Jade said as she stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"No where." Jade said irritably. "If you haven't noticed, I've been sittin there for three hours! My legs are stiff!" He then watched her as she paced the length of the room. When she went got to the left side of the room, she screamed and grabbed her leg. "Cramp!" She said whincing,. "I gotta cramp in my thigh."

"Then sit down Miss Hathaway."

"I blame you for this." She seethed as she limped back to her seat.

"You may leave." Snape said as he stood.

"What?"

"Detentions over."

"Are you serious? I just sat down and I have a cramp that won't go away because of you."

"Exactly. Now leave." Snape said.

XXXX

That night, when everyone was supposed to be in bed, Jade waited in her four-poster bed staring at her watch. When it beeped midnight, she slowly got out of her bed. She walked down the stairs into the common room careful not to make a sound when someone said, "going somewhere are we?" She nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Dammit, George." Whispered Jade angrily. George was standing in front of her clad in pajama bottoms and a tanktop under the matching open pajama shirt.

"Is our dear Jade sneaking out?" said another voice, identical to the first.

"Fred." Fred wore the same thing as George. Jade saw the twins look her up and down and suddenly regretted staying in nothing but a tanktop and short blue shorts.

"Um, boys? Are we going to do this?" Asked Jade.  
>"What? Oh yeah." The twins said as they walked to the portrait whole. As they walked down the corridor, Jade made the mistake of walking ahead of them, and she realized this when she felt a hand pinch her butt. "Hey!" Jade said.<p>

"That was Fred!"

"That was George!"

Jade rolled her eyes and they proceeded down the corridor toward the laundry room. "George?"

"Yes?"  
>"Do you have the thing?"<p>

"Yep."

"No, I have it," Fred piped up. He handed her two small bottles. One was gold and one was red. "Gryffindor colors." She smiled to herself. Jade pulled out a laudry bin and found a sleek, black robe. On it's tag was the letters S.S. Severus Snape. She placed the robe in a basin, and filled it with water. She then added the dye. "This is going to be good."

XXXX

That morning, when the Gryffindor's had potions with the Slytherins, everyone didn't expect what they saw when they walked into the classroom. There, standing in front of the class, was Proffesor Snape. Only, he didn't look like Snape. Instead of the black robes he would wear regularly, he was wearing red and golden robes. Much like a Gryffindor. The Gryffindors giggled and the Slytherins looked shocked. "If anyone giggles again they will recieve one week of detention." Snape said aggravated. Jade took her seat smiling proudly to herself. Ron and Harry sat down next to her. "I suppose this is your doing?" Ron asked happily.

"Oh yeah." Harry smiled and gave her a high five, while Ron kissed her cheek, in a friendly way. She felt proud, and happy. Happy that she was making someone elses life a living Hell? Yeah, she was going to need some serious therapy, because something just isn't right in that girls brain...

Oh Jade...


End file.
